honey

hey honey.
i wanted to write to you to tell you what's been on my mind lately with the some of the stuff we've been talking about.

we've been talking about you moving out to where i am next year which would either be here in san diego or in flagstaff. ugh baby it's hard for me. i want so badly to be excited about the possibility of you moving out here. but i really believe in my heart that it won't happen. i don't think that when it came down to you, that you'd leave your family even if it was only for a few years. you always talk about how you don't know who would take care of them if you moved even just out of the house. i can't even imagine how they would feel if you moved across the country. i know that you say you think they would support you in your decision, but most of the time i don't think they would. your grandpa hasn't been the best about you even coming out to visit for a week, i can't even imagine how he would be if you told him you wanted to move out here. it's soooooooo hard for me because i want you to move out here so badly. i would do anything to be with you as soon as possible and if that means you moving out here or to flagstaff, then i'm all for it. i just REALLY don't think it'll happen. call me a pessimist but i don't think it will. i don't think you'll be able to leave your family. don't get me wrong, i want you out here with me until i can be out there with you.

then there's us getting married. i really try to not let this one bother me because i know it'll be a while till we get married anyway. but the fact that we can't get married until you're almost done with school... babe that's not 6 or 7 years. it's gonna be so hard for me to wait that long. i know that we need to wait at least until i move out there and we're able to spend a lot of time together, or until you move out here. but 6 or 7 years. that's a loooooong time babe. to me, i just can't imagine promising my family that i would wait until i was done with school to get married. because in my mind, it's my decision about when i want to get married. yes i want to wait until i know we are financially able to support ourselves but whose to say that it won't be until after you're done with school. its just hard when getting married and having kids is what i've wanted forever, and to have to wait until i'm almost 30 to have all of that, it's hard for me. once we're finally together i don't know if i'll be able to wait that long long to be with you. and it's not just because we aren't having sex until we get married, it's because i want to start my life with you in that way. i want to be able to live with you and have you as mine forever. it's just hard for me to even think about waiting that long.

i love you with all my heart chris. but this is all REALLY hard for me. i don't like being a pessimist about you moving out, but i am. i wish that i wanted to wait that long to get married because its what you want, but it's not. i don't want to wait that long. and i don't know how to tell you these things. i just love you chris, that's all i know anymore.

i don't know how things are gonna work out. i don't know if you'll end up moving out here, and i don't know if we'll end up waiting that long to get married. but i love you, that's really all i know anymore.